Identity: Who You Are. Where You Belong. How You Are Unique But Still Fit In.
Photo of me at the Carrick a Rege Rope Bridge in Northern Ireland. Photo was taken in July 2018.
Everyone is unique in their own beautiful way. Our differences adds so much value to the world and allows us to learn from one another. In life, we grow and explore who we are. There comes a point in your life where you figure out your identity and begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. When you get there, nothing can stop you. However, it is a journey. This adventure can be filled with many unpleasant feelings and make you feel as if you are alone. Good news is …You aren’t alone. Everyone at one point or another questions who they are, where they belong, and if they can celebrate their uniqueness while trying to fit in. So this is a guide to help you on your beautiful path to self discovery.
Since April, I been exploring the methodology of Intersectionality and the practice of EDI (Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion) for my masters. This has opened the door for many fantastic conversations and an abundant amount of eye opening experiences. However, this has also led me to a thousand more questions about my identity.
Throughout my entire life, society has told me that I am not enough. Being a Korean Adoptee raised by a White American family, I was always not Asian enough or not White enough. I have had Asians tell me I am a ‘fake Asian’ since I am unaware of my Korean culture and I have had Americans tell me I am too ‘exotic’ to be White/American.
Living abroad in London even added another layer of complexity to this. When I am in London, I find myself being too American. I constantly do and say things that make me stick out like a sore thumb. But when I return ‘home’, I am not American enough. I say and do things that I picked up from living in England. I even find myself comparing and contrasting the two different locations all the time. At the end of the day, I find myself feeling left out and asking myself ‘where do I belong?’
Photo of me in front of the Tower Bridge in London. Photo was taken in September 2017.
This feeling has taught many individuals, myself included, how to adapt, change, and hide part of our identity to be accepted in society. I constantly find myself adapting who I am to wherever and whoever I am around. This has led to many internal struggles and feeling as if I can’t just be me.
Over the past few months, I been tremendously struggling with who I am, where I belong, and my identity. I no longer want to adapt, mold, change, or hide. However, how can I be confident about who I am if I can’t fully identify myself?
Photo of The TCG Theatre of Color Pre-Conference. Photo was taken in June 2018 by TCG.
In June, I attended the Theatre Communication Group (TCG) National Conference in St. Louis. I was invited to many important conversations surrounding topics of EDI. For the first time in a long time, I finally felt as if I could truly be me. I didn’t have to be that ‘diversity’ person and educate others about race, religion, age, disability, gender, sexual orientation, etc. I was with like-minded individuals, who shared the same passion for making a difference in the world. Most importantly, I was surrounded by individuals who were willing to accept me for me, even if I changed my identity on a daily basis.
This experience was incredible and life-changing. I was introduced to many resources, including the Bill of Rights for People of Mixed Heritage, which has tremendously changed my view on life. I was able to identify as whatever I wanted and was able to explore my identity in the brave space TCG created. TCG even gave me a space to hold a session to talk about Mixed Identity, Mixed Heritage, and Intersectionality. This, as well as other conversations, was impetuous for a group of theatre professionals to make a Facebook group and continue to hold this conversation at other theatre conferences.
Bill of Rights for People of Mixed Heritage Created by Dr. Maria Root.
The TCG National Conference left me feeling more like myself than I ever felt. However, going back to reality was rough. I had a bunch of questions that started me on this journey to answering them.
In July, I was given an amazing opportunity to teach EDI to a group of High School Students at Rutgers Summer Acting Conservatory. I truly believe these students are going to change the world. Their willingness to agree to disagree and discuss tough yet important conversation was fantastic. One student, in particular, asked me a question that really stuck with me. He asked ‘How do we celebrate our differences while still finding a way to fit in?’
This question made me wonder why is it so important that we must fit in? Why do we care what others think? Why do we feel like we have to please others to feel a part of a collective? And if I were to just be me, would I be enough?
Photo of me running a tech run with this year’s RSAC Students. Photo was taken in July 2018 by Jade Cintron.
Since July, I have been traveling around Europe by myself to explore my identity, find some answers to those questions and finish my dissertation. To my surprise, the conversations haven’t stopped. I received so many wonderful messages about Intersectionality, EDI, and Identity from close friends and from individuals whom I haven’t spoken to in a long time. I have also met so many strangers, along my travels, who have struck up a conversation with me about their views. Some of them were opposing views (which I listened and tried to understand) and others enlightened me about their personal experiences.
Throughout my conversations, I noticed that I am not the only person who is going through this. There are so many individuals in the world who are questioning their own identity and comparing themselves to others. People are changing, molding, and hiding certain aspects of their identity to ‘fit in’. Individuals are longing for this sense of belonging.
Photo of me at the Acropolis in Athens. Photo was taken in September 2018.
Noticing common theme within these conversations, I came up with 5 things I learned. They are the following:
1. It is totally normal to question your identity.
Everyone does it at one point or another. I haven’t found a single person who has not questioned who they are. Yes, it’s a horrible feeling to be lost and confused about yourself, but please know that you are not alone.
2. You are the only person who gets to interpret your own identity.
This one is very important. Your identity is shaped by your experiences, your beliefs, and your values. No one has the right to label you and put you in a box. You have the right to identify as whatever you want. It can be different to how strangers, parents, siblings, family members, friends, teachers, co-workers, and managers may identify you as.
It is even okay to not know what you identify as. I most certainly don’t know. Most recently, I have been telling people I identify as mixed heritage/mixed identity since I cannot specifically pinpoint the right word that I want to identify as.
All of this is okay. The only thing that matters is that you are happy with how and what you identify as.
3. It is okay to identify yourself differently in different situations.
You are 100% allowed to tell a person part of your identity and not tell them about another aspect. You can even tell another person something completely different. You also have the right to not tell an individual anything. You are completely allowed to ask them ‘Why is this important to you? Why do you want to know what I Identify as?’ Then from their answer, you can decide if you want to share or not.
Throughout my travels, I am constantly telling strangers different things. When I am asked the dreaded ‘Where are you from?’ question, my response has changed depending on who I am talking to. Sometimes, I say I am from New York/New Jersey. Other times, I say I am from London. If I am talking to someone who is questioning my ethnicity, sometimes I say I am American. Other times, I say I am Korean. I have also found myself asking people who I feel have other motives…Why? Why do you want to know? Why is it so important that you know what I Identify as?
All of this is completely normal. You should never feel bad or feel as if you are changing, molding, or adapting yourself. As long as you are okay with your answer in that particular moment, that is all that should matter.
4. Your identity can change over time and that is totally fine.
As humans, we are constantly changing and growing. You may learn something about yourself or experience something that will make you question your identity. You may grow from that experience and start to identify as something different. THIS IS COMPLETELY OKAY! You have the right to change your identity as many times as you want over the span of your life. No one has the right to tell you anything different or question your ‘realness’ since your answer was different on another day.
5. Just be you and don’t worry about fitting in.
The most important thing I learned is to be who you want and don’t worry about pleasing others. I truly believe that the right people will come into your life and just accept you for you.
A friend’s mother recently reached out to me. She saw one of my posts and sent me a private message. She said ‘Reading your last post about struggling with your heritage took me back for a second because I never think of you as anything but Kayla. It’s hard to describe, but you are nothing else but who you are to me…The people who love you don’t see anything else but Kayla.’ What she said is completely true. The right people will come into your life and see you as you. You should not have to explain yourself or change who you are to fit in.
So just be you and don’t let anyone else tell you differently.
Photo of me in Mykonos. Photo was taken in September 2018.
Finding Yourself, Believing in Yourself and Being Yourself is the best thing you can do. I have truly found myself being completely happy and more confident as the days go by. I am still on the path of self-discovery and finding my identity, but I am willing to accept who I am in this moment.
I truly hope that you too will find a sense of peace with who you are.
